recurring dreams
While it's fresh in my mind, I had one of my tornado dreams last night. It's never the same tornado so I guess it qualifies more as a recurring theme than dream.
This time, I am at the largest Walmart ever. It sits in the middle of absolutely nowhere but there are so many people that we have to park in a field outside the already mile size parking lot (with 8ft chainlink fence around it). I mean literally nowhere as there is nothing but gently rolling hills, prairie and farming fields as far as the eye can see.
My friend M. from Austin makes an appearance as well as the new cat, Oliver. There is another person I never see but I know is hayseed. We go in to shop and I am my usual 'uninterested in shopping' self. Eventually, I say to M. that I am taking Oliver back to the car. I stop at a metal table and sit with strangers to finish a Dr Pepper. When I decide to get up a man offers to get me another to which I decline. I try to get Oliver back to carry him but he runs off each time in the field which is full of many other dogs and cats. I decide that I am never getting him. I am wonder if a cat has the skill to find his way to the car, then get pissed and decide I am going to have to hunt him down later.
I am heading for the car when I get the feeling the air has changed. I look up and see the makings of a funnel cloud behind me and the clouds above are moving in this pattern that spreads out over my head across the sky so fast that I start to panic. I walk faster. Then I run as fast as I can run. I feel it getting closer and I run faster until I see a large concrete and tin garage in front of me. It's new but shaped in the old style dome.
Eventually, I feel like I am running in slow motion which gets worse the closer I am to the building. I see the look on a woman's face as I approach. She is looking behind me and looks terrified. She starts to close the big garage doors and I yell wait but she was waiting already leaving one open just enough for me to scoot through before closing it behind me. I start opening small room doors until I find one with the concrete walls. I slip into it, breathless, but feeling safe.
And, like all the others, I am safe. In all the dreams, I escape harm and watch the funnel pass by and fizzle out later. I have been having these dreams for years. I am deathly afraid of tornados anyway. I wish I knew what they meant.
more rain
Last night, I cried myself to sleep. I haven't done that in awhile. My own words. I wish I didn't have to use them. I am begging to be allowed to not say anything at all. Can't you see me begging and pleading?
Let's talk about other things.
Earlier this morning, I dreamed I went back to work for Tim. He and I were interviewing people for jobs. I dreamed I was trying to talk my current job into letting me do it part time still because it's really part time work. I dreamed of all these people welcoming me back in a parade of faces. Some belonged there, some did not. What is funny is that the office is one that has been in my dreams before. When I dream about CF the office always looks the same. It ended when I was awakened by the phone ringing at 7:00 am.
Davie’s tennis camper calling to see if today’s lessons are still on. Not very likely.
The rain fell from before the sun came up yesterday until after it went down. It rained all night and it is raining still. The house is dark and freezing. Outside it feels like a sauna. Water is choking every corner, every low spot in the uneven ground and everything else left abandoned outside. The rain has been falling every night for at least a week and so much fell in the days and weeks before now. We are soaked and the soaking is to the bone. It’s good but I suspect once it’s gone, it won't be long before there will be a return to complaining about drought like conditions. Afterall, what else does anyone have to talk about except the worst things? We are a deficit focused world. And I am a deficit focused girl...my apologies to Madonna.
I have to try and do some work.
Protected: i am dreaming
Protected: It's like fall
Putting you away
In reality, I want to put you away. I want to store you conveniently in a box under my bed where I only need take you out on occasion. Instead, you are a constant presence. You are in most everything I imagine from fleeting thoughts to dreams and everywhere in between. I know you are only there because I am alone. That fact alone pisses my off completely. I need to gat a life.
There's a spot on the Pednerales River where the water falls into a pool surrounded by caverns carved into shallow caves. I want to cross the river there, climb into one of those caves and live. I could walk the sandy beaches, make mullosk shell necklaces and pet rocks for the tourist at the state park. I could play them the three songs I know on the guitar and they would think me quaint and not annoying. Maybe then I'd even have time to learn more songs because what else would I have to do really. I know, I would also make cave drawings way in the back that would be found later by others who would add to them until it became a great mural in the cave. I would spend my nights with only the sound of flowing water.
Maybe I just long for a simpler life.
I have a dream
I had this dream...and it was me and a musician. Usually I am not me in my dreams and the musician wasn't familiar. I knew everyone else in my dream. To Jung this would mean that they were not really people I know only that those people represent something to me. To Freud it would only be some form of p. envy. HA! Maybe that was an oversimplification of their theories.
I kissed her forehead. She smiled up at me. We walked out the door and I carried her guitar. When we got into the car, neither of us was driving. I was thinking that it was nice just to sit and pay attention to her. She was paying attention to me. We were talking about the evening, telling old stories simply reminiscing about our lives. We were getting to know each other.
Suddenly we were in an outdoor park. She began setting up. It was just her and her guitar. When she was done, she came over and sat effortlessly on my lap. I expected her to be more distant in public. She began to softly kiss my neck. As if on cue the reporter walked up though she did not move from my lap. The reporter (who was familiar to me) eyed me with curiosity, "so there is a rumor that last week you were out with" (now I can't recall the name but I knew her to be someone famous). My girl just laughed and said 'no; that for once the reporter was wrong. She saw that the reporter was curious about me but she said nothing save a brief thank you. I saw in her eyes that the reporter did not believe. I smiled in confirmation that I was just a friend but I felt a momentary twinge of regret. She was going to break my heart and I was going to let her.
When she returned her attention to me, she explained that the rumors would always be rumors. She kissed me softly and stood without another word. I watched her walk away. She played and sang while walking amongst the crowd. She played only a few songs. The last was new to me. (I can not remember what it was about though. I could have written a song in my dream but I can not recall even its subject this morning.) When she finished she stopped for a brief moment as the crowd applauded her to look at me. A flash of something registered on her face. I was expecting her to pack and walk past me thinking I would have to follow and pretend I was only another member of the audience. But she proved me wrong in my assumptions. She grabbed her case, walk to me and reached for my hand. She took it up in hers and we walked out together as the others look after us.
In their eyes, she has a girlfriend now. She put her case away and we spent a brief few moments alone. I did not ask any questions. I was going to make the moments last as long as I could. Like she was some shooting star only in my sight for an instant. But she was acting different. She was still holding my hand, kissing me and walking with me. She explained that we had to go back because she had to attend a workshop where people would be asking her about her music. "It will be over soon. Then we can leave," she said. I was happy. She was saying we and she was not leaving me behind.
And she did not leave me behind. I sat next to her during the session. She worked. I watched. In a slight twist as often happens in dream land, as quickly as she was in the workshop, she was just as quickly helping police stop a guy from stealing a helmet. Now I ask what the hell was that supposed to mean? Then with another twist. She was in front of me. My arms were wrapped around her. Her back against my chest. I was kissing her cheek. We were laughing. I was introducing her to people I knew. All the while thinking no one is going to believe I am with her.
And then I woke up...