Dixie’s Road Trip Notes from the Road

29Nov/04Off

on flying

It's no secret how I feel about flying. I can't even count how many times I've been on a plane just this year. I was getting better about it but I had one of my "I'm going to die" panic attacks the other day. They happen from time to time. This one was from reading the paper and seeing Jon Stewart turning 40 something. I suddenly though god, I'm going to be 40 one day and then I'm going to be getting older and closer to death. And that's how it goes. Something reminds me of my mortality and I have the panic attack for a few days until I forget about it again.

Every little dangerous activity sets off the little panic button in my mind.

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13Mar/04Off

prank calls

And now the dogs are barking.

It's in the distance but I am scared just the same. I've double locked the doors, done my best with the windows and checked in all the closets.

I called my phone company and said I am having harassing phone calls and she said call the police, file a report, call the harrassment hot line. What the hell is that? Not reassuring. Now I am wide awake. The first time I've been asleep before midnight in I can't remember when only to be awakened this late for dirty talk. I hang up only to be called seven more times in the course of ten minutes. This is scary behavior. Strangers do not talk to strangers in this manner and it be safe. And, I am alone in this house tonight.

So, I have blocked private calls from 'chris'

I had forgotten what it feels like to be scared like this and fuck anyone for making me feel this way. And fuck you for waking me up for your bullshit antics.

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15Oct/03Off

something I do not like to do…

There are the lines, the metal detectors and the men with guns, the walking down the terminal, the hard plastic seats meant to keep you awake and vigilant even though you've been waiting for hours. Then it's more lines, the runway, the waiting, the monotonous rules and the inevitable take off...

I wasn't meant to fly this way...in rapid descent in something metal and breathing in heavy, packaged air. I hate flying. No. Wait. Strike that. I hate airplanes. I was in a hot air balloon once and though I dropped my cookies at the first weightlessness, once in the air, I was light and the wind really brushed my hair and I felt free. The air was dense but it was real.

I also hate fast turn around flights. My body hardly adjusts before having to be subjected again. Thank god for the watch, the little piece of electrodes and plastic sending calming pulses into my wrist so I at least don't get the sickness and the headaches anymore. Fly in, meet all day, sit on your ass some more, and fly out again. I am in another type of airplane stuck in the metal boundaries breathing more packaged air. As camp people you'd think we'd be better at this but I guess there's only so many ways you can talk about contracts and budgets and mission statements and branding and web presence and operational management and it can't be done when you are cruising down a zip line or paddling a canoe on the ripples of a river. Or can it?

On the bright side, I get to see a someone I adore.

I'm gone today and I'll write again when I return.