mood swings
My lack of focus is spiraling into some crushing hole. I feel heavier and like a great blank spot has made residence up in my chest.
I am tired
I have insomnia
I can't focus
I find myself starring at the tv for hours it's the only time I can sit still
I just want to be left alone
I am depressed. I blame my hormones. I blame you. I blame me. I blame eveyone.
This mood swinging, hormone imbalanced existence has got to stop.
bravado
I did alot of reading here tonight. I'm not sure what moves me to look around. Searching for inspiration, searching for clues, searching for signs of you. I only rhyme for effect. Its rhyme not reality.
Explain, Explain. Always explain. Such is a life not lived alone.
I listened to a story tonight that hit me in such away that I had a rather forceful and immediate reaction. I think it was supposed to impress me. It didn't and drew out of me a really aggressive position. I felt guilty for making them so forcefully direct but there is a line of appropriate behavior that for me is to often crossed. I think I was most taken back by the boastfulness. I am however, sorry for how I made the person feel uncertain and maybe even judged so severely.
This was not my exactly my intention.
There's a fine line of trying to be open to differences without compromising personal ethic.
Though I have avoided mentioning this until now, I found a rather suspicious knot under my skin on the back of my neck. And is it an iceberg? Found it accidentally this afternoon when moving my own hair out of the way. It might have me a bit freaked out. I am calm enough but I think a doctor visit is entirely unavoidable. I'm giving it a week. If it shrinks then I'll leave it but anything else will mean the doctor.
Not my best day at all.
nervous ticks
I've got a twitch in my right eyelid and in the bend of my right elbow. They've been there for days. It seems to be some kind of nervous tick showing itself? It's incredibly annoying.
I decided on option "C" last night which is to say, instead of seeing any music at all, I just stayed home and watched TV. Well, napped might be a more appropriate description. Tonight, hayseed and I went to Jefferson Freedom Cafe in the Unitarian Church to see Terri Hendrix. She's inspiring and fun to watch...something mature and something more political in her songs and performance too. It was a great show. Just occasionally distracting as I was looking through my own flitting eyelid.
I think I need like a good weeks worth of sleep and just start all over in the sleep bank (If you believe in such a thing.)
Tomorrow, Susan Gibson and Walt Wilkins...I just don't know how to decide who I will gush over more 
a day
I am working more today than I have in some time. I even missed the workout window I like. I thought to go walk but now the sky has turned, the trees are swaying more to and fro and a soft drizzle is beginning to fall. It feels like it's rained almost everyday since May.
Maybe the sun will return or I just might go work out after 7:00. I don't like a crowded gym. Mostly I don't like a crowded anything.
And it's a crowded house here...we are dog central this week. I am sitting for the sweetest but neediest dogs on the planet. I wonder if they know they are about to move to Austin with their mommies? I hadn't realized how much my own dog follows me around but when there are three dogs following your every move and sleeping at your feet, you can't help but notice.
They are all asleep now under the desk, around the chair and in back of the chair. A little triumvirate. I would like to join them as I am feeling tired and in need of a nap.
it's all about me today
It's another time when I feel I am floating through my life. I am getting up and getting down and getting up again everyday. I recognize the symptoms finally. I feel like I am just two feet above everything and watching all that is happening without taking part. Sleep now because it's time. Eat now because you are supposed to eat. But, nothing else much registers. I having been doing it for months but did not notice. Until now and I guess that's a start.
Today, our air conditioner's broken. I noticed this right away. Yesterday it was broken. This weekend it was broken. The perfect timing of all air conditioners to break - Memorial Day weekend. It gasped and sputtered out cool air intermittenly all weekend. David called me fonzie as I squeezed a few more hours out of it. Someone will be here some time today to fix it but I am trapped in the house until they do. Thank god it stormed last night and there is cool air blowing a breeze across the wet grass. If only there were a screen door on the back door still.
I haven't exercised in four days and I had a Dr. Pepper last week and a few more since. And, here's a new development. That pre-menstrual symptom of aching joints that I always wondered about is something I now experience. For the last three months about this time, I developed an ache in my elbow and this morning it was also in my hand. I'm a goddamn mess at thirty-four. At least I noticed it today. And here is something else entirely. I haven't done the things I love for what seems like months now either...no music, no Kerrville, no Susan Gibson last weekend and she was here in town. Something’s all askew in my world. If I miss Kerrville, it will be the first time in six years I haven't gone. But I don't feel like even going. I wonder if she even noticed my absence at her show.
This is complaining when I should just do something about it. Something to remind me that I am in fact here and a part of this place. I know this intellectually but mostly, I want to curl up on my couch and finger the channel changer.
focusing on the surface
The things we talk about are so varied and often things I have to mull over until the full weight of them actually sinks into the softer parts of my brain.
You said some good things this time or at least they didn't all make me mad at having to hear them. Therapists shouldn't really speak until spoken to, you know. You took it well when I said today that I was leaving you to look for someone else. If only it was always this easy and uncomplicated. You asked if it's because I'd prefer a woman and that was the only time I felt remotely upset. No sir, I said in full condecension. I'd prefer someone who is soothing and relaxing and non-confrontational. But what does that mean anyway, I thought uneasily.
So, I am on the look-out for new representation. ha! And, a pen name if you must know the things I am searching for this week.
The rest of my truths are staying buried. I am focusing on the surface for now.
my hormones are making it too hot to sleep
Being a woman is nothing more than a curse. Another sleepless night...it's hot all around me. Even Bailey's off his bed and on the cool wooden floor. I should get back to trying to sleep but instead I am recording a late night showing of the Last Picture Show and typing away here.
Lonely is a good friend of mine. She keeps me company most of the time.
I'm taking a deep breath. There's a cool shadow of you sometimes to my right, sometimes my left.
Here is Lonely's invitation
Kick a little dirt in my face, draw a line in the sand, do something dangerous or just take my hand.
Don't you ever tire of the monologue...maybe even pine away for the dialogue? Oh fuck it...I can't write anything valuable right now.
holiday cheer
Jack left this morning for home. I'll see him in a few days for Christmas. This year, the holidays seem especially uncomfortable. I am raw and on edge. It seems that my feelings are easily hurt. Sometimes I don't even know what has set it off.
I am going to start yoga again and then add meditation to the mix. I need to re-center myself. On some level, I know what is going on. As before, I need to address it head on and quit letting it have the better of me.
teeth
Had a wisdom tooth pulled yesterday. Did it the old fashioned way. A little local, a few cracks and a yank. Might as well have tied it to the door knob and had a good push. But it was only one tooth so what the heck...
I find myself tounging the stitch. The only reason I have it is because dr. missed a peice of the root and had to go "rooting" around for it for some twenty minutes. I wonder if that is where the expression comes from "rooting around" I always thought it came from digging in the ground for roots. Something else to ponder.
I have some more to write but I'll have to come back later...