I was just standing there looking.
You stood and waved.
I took a deep breath to calm myself and to steady the nervous shake that racked my body. I shook my hands out loosening the final quiver. I was happy to see you and scared all at the same time without any explaination for any of it.
I could tell you were nervous but I defined it in the way most people are nervous meeting new people. I had defined that the same for myself as I walked to your table. It may have been just that but now it seems so much more.
And that's my first memory of you in full detail.
today
Today, it finally looked like winter as a soft blanket of clouds languished high above the rest with air clean and crisp. It's close and yet it will come and go like love.
I was driving in East Texas today. It was like driving through an Adam Carroll CD....at the bar in Grand Saline, past the Silver Lake side next to man from Kilgore. I am wondering if Wal-Mart truck drivers are the only truck drivers to really see the country side driving through all the towns outside of bigger towns, outside of even bigger towns still.
As a treat, I stopped at one of the Texas Stop Signs, got a dipped cone 'cause I have been craving them for a month. "Long Live the Queen".
Ori will be here tonight. Today I miss Ori's hands.
thankful
There's so much going on. It is all the same thing and I love it for all it's beauty, uniqueness and sheer size.
I was telling Ori how everything I think and say these days is about love and us. I was thinking to write about it but the same words echo over and over, I'm in love. I'm in love.
So, I've been thinking alot about unconditional love, the love of a lifetime, fate, pre-destiny and all that metaphysical vs the science of man sort of stuff. Mostly 'cause I wonder where it all comes from. Why I love this person and not that one. What thing I can attribute to this unexpected yet remarkable gift...should I be thanking myself for a past life decision, thanking a god for a lovely discovery or maybe only crediting the right combination of chemicals and smells for getting to feel this way.
It might be nice to settle on one in the same way that it's good to know why other things went wrong. So you won't make the same mistakes. If you know the good reasons too, maybe it will help to maintain the beauty and the good and finally be a thing that outlasts any hard times.
I've never said 'this is the love of my life' and have always believed in each relationship as separate and different from any other. I still believe that but I know a few things now that I 've never known before and I know that now I can say certain things I have never been able to say to another before. Maybe mine isn't to ask why but I sure am thankful. My wish is that everyone we love is thankful that we have found this great thing in each other. Love is wonderful, being loved in return is to be cherished. I know I promise to show how grateful I am as long as I'm allowed.
tom thumb reward card and the rest of my day
I finally went to the grocery store. It's about time though I doubt I would have if Bailey hadn't needed food...
Would you like to use your reward card today ma’am?
No, thank you, I don't have one.
So, the check out girl hands me the receipt saying thank you Ms .... You realize you would have saved $13 and some change with a reward card today. I think to myself, well, if I could have then why didn’t I? What kind of message does that send and oh, by the way, personal information isn't so personal anymore. Why should I have to have yet another card clutter my overstuffed wallet that I had to give out all my personal information to get so that you can turn around and sell it to someone else. If I want to sell my own information then I should be able to and reap the rewards myself. Maybe I can find some crazy lawyer willing to try a class action suit of copyright infringement or identity theft. I mean if Catherine Deneuve can keep her name off a magazine then Joe Schmo citizen ought to be able to keep his or her name and personal information to themselves. You profit from my name then I should see at least some of the profits without being pushed into the extortion of only getting the benefit by going to your store.
But these are not decision of check-out girls. She didn’t really need my diatribe. I just smiled and laughed and said thanks and pushed my own cart out the door and loaded my own groceries into the car and oh, by the way, service isn't so service anymore.
I was busy, focused on the tasks of a regular work day.
I went to another chick happy hour after a long and interesting dinner with friends and a friend of a friend. We were regaled with the ins and outs of corporate America and I saw her and thought that’s who I might have become. Thankfully I am not as I was saved by another career from the corporate ulcers and arrogance. But thank you Mr. Gates for your generous donations to our not-for-profits. 
The happy hour was a bust and I left, somewhat mad, after only 20 minutes. Though later I felt some remorse. Maybe my friends can be careless but they love me and all the things I love. I will let go of their carelessness as I am sure they forgive me mine.
Susan’s show at Dan’s Silverleaf was good. When she sings, I am happy and energized and easy again. Though, it made me miss Ori more than ever. I just wanted to dance - be held close close and share the happiness and peacefulness of the moment. I have the same feeling now each time I do the things I love the most.
like
I like the way you talk to me. I like the way we talk to each other. I can't wait until I get to wake up to it everyday.
I like being in love with you.
it came upon me wave on wave
I'm out of practice. All my words start with love, end with love and somehow mostly mean love. How's that for something to write about?
Most of us, as people, spend alot of time analyzing the ins and outs and the wherefores and whereartthou's of this thing called love. I did. For me, I think it's because love has never snuck up on my before, never just happen out of "happenstance". What would be new and refreshing is now REALLY new and refreshing as new experiences are always.
It is the one thing I do keep playing over and over in my mind. Just when did I come to love you? was it before I ever knew you? was it the reading of your words? was it the first time I sat across from you drinking a beer and talking like friends do? was it in the touching of your hand, the hug, the smile of our meetings? was it?
It snuck up on me so fast and easily that like a small town, you blink and you miss it. Maybe I did. I was in the car, my hand on your knee and I almost said I love you like I'd said it a thousand times. Love just appeared, out of the collective. It was there like it had always been there and it was a big as ever. But I hadn't said it to you before and I stopped myself then because I didn't want to first time I said it to be while driving down some boring highway in Dallas. It's been the only thing I've had to think about so far with you. It is, you are, easy and uncomplicated in all the best ways. My Ori...my love
I am not gone
I missed you and now I am here with you. And here's the coolest thing...I'd gladly sacrifice one more day away from home just to have you beside me.
One more day from home. I've been gone long. Five days on a ship without communication is just over the top. Tomorrow, I will roll into town, unpack my bags and be in my own space. Tomorrow you'll be with me. Tomorrow I will introduce you to the masses and you will have the faces to go with my scattered stories. Tomorrow will be one more day I get to spend with you.
And here's and even cooler thing...tonight, I get to kiss you as much as I want. Tonight I get to sleep tuck safely with you. Tonight you are mine again and I am thankful for you in a thousand different ways I will never be able to express with any eloquence.
It's nice to be able to write again.
Love and Dancing
Last night while sitting at the Broken Spoke watching Traci Lynn, I was reminded that real and familiar love does exist for some people. I watched a couple, topping their 80's, who were a magnificent reflection of the kind of real love that smiles and dances and breathes a life of its own.
I guess they could have just found each other but I imagine that they met as young lovers. Him in his fancy convertible and her in heels and big bouffant hair racing down some lost highway.
Oh how I want to dance like them...