Protected: open
road maps
I read this article recently. In the article there was a quote. It was written that a road map's no good without a destination. While I understand that the author was just using a simple analogy to make his point, I just have to add my thoughts about how road maps are much more than the fastest path from point A to B.
I love maps. Here are some other things I think maps have to offer:
- A map shows you where you are so that you can decide the best route. (planning)
- There are hundreds of paths to the same destination. Without a map how do you know the best route for you? (resources)
- The map shows you all the stops along the way. (benchmarks)
- Exploring alternative routes with no destination in mind is the best way to gain new perspectives. (flexibility)
- Knowing the distance and when you arrive. (evaluation)
Of course, he was just talking about the end statement and I guess I am considering the process. For me, the journey's the thing.
Baby on Board
Well, there have been a rash of fires in the area lately. On Saturday, driving on 635, we passed what looked to be an entire complex burning. Smoked engulfed the area north of the highway and poured thick clouds over the the roadway. It was dramatic enough to contemplate gawking but in the end we didn't stop. Later I learned that an entire community had burned to the ground.
I've been purging stuff lately. My own fire sale so to speak. However, the news about all the families who have lost their entire history, their environment, and so much of their lives in the flames got me thinking even more about what things I hold most precious. My dogs and our human lives are the only really important things but I still have a collection of stuff that I have wrapped my identity around...art work, antiques, pictures, albums, journals, letters, my favorite t-shirt from the 1980's and much, much more. I have been cataloging much of this into the computer through photo's and by scanning materials. Storing these on hard drives and then rotating the drives to the safety deposit box for extra precaution.
So, I was remembering those yellow faux traffic signs with the slogan, "Baby on Board". I thought I might like one of those in the window of my house that says "Save the Hard Drives" with a big arrow pointing the way. I know, it's shallow, but a life is a life because of what we cherish. Maybe it's just my only way to ensure I have a history.
when is a prick a prick?
Today I was talking, in a way, about crucial conversations. In a discussion about an incident that affected a friend and me at the same time. I was considering even though we sit on two completely different sides of the situations we had, for the most part, arrived at the same place in conclusion.
Her position was that she wasn't up for saying anything about what had bothered her because she didn't want to come off as a selfish prick and my position was that I would risk it because I needed to address it head on. So, I did have the conversation and she did not based on our respective positions. By sharing what I felt, I was risking losing a relationship but in the same turn by not sharing, so was she. Right?
It will be interesting to see how our situations will evolve. I feel much better having had the opportunity to address my issues directly. I actually feel better. So much so that I've not given it another thought. In talking about the incident today, I felt by our conversation that she is carrying a burden that still seems to hurt her. But here's the rub, neither of us has had to face the people we were hurt by. There may be consequences to my actions that include a loss of a relationship because I brought it up. While she may be able to involve herself in the relationship again without any issues. All because no one will have any idea that she felt (feels?) hurt.
For me, open conversation is crucial in any relationship that I truly value. However, I understand fully the consequences of this personal philosophy. On more than one occasion, I have alienated people who were not prepared for a crucial conversation. It's hard for anyone to hear how you feel hurt or whatever the emotion might be without taking it personally, without being defensive. Understandable. It is nearly impossible to convey an idea that if I value a relationship with you, then we have to be able to communicate openly and truthfully. If I love you then at some point, we are going to have a conversation that makes us uncomfortable but at the end of it, we will be the better for it. Better because we are not stuffing real emotion away and saving for later all just to be polite.
On the flip side, I also wish people would invest in me the same way. If I have done a wrong, I wish like hell that person would take the time to tell me. There is no greater feeling when a relationship is strained than to have someone allow you to apologize and you be forgiven. It seems like the right thing to do.
Maybe I am wrong. There certainly isn't one right way to do it. I know plenty of people who can ignore hurt feelings and there are no long term consequences. They feel hurt alone, keep it as long as they need and release it without it ever causing a crack in their own heart. And, by not sharing their feelings with another person, even the one who caused them issue, they have not created a crack in anyone else's heart or what is more typical, a crack in the relationship. In the end, there is at least one sure truth, it is just as easy to damage a relationship with honesty as it is without it.
Act Three
I was watching a movie and the character was talking about the Act V of a character's life in a shakespeare play and it started me think about what act I was in in life. Maybe the beginning of act three; the third album; the third installment in the series. The one after the sophomore slump that was my second act. One which I freely admit I simply coasted on the success of the first. Maybe I am still coasting.
Act three (in a five act play) is the middle, the hardest part to write because it is where the characters emotional journey comes to climax. It is the conflict that defines the character. It is the change over for the character.
If I were in a comedy, then this would be when all the weird and bad things would start to take a more positive shape. If I were in a drama, then this would be when good would have become bad. In each, as a character, I would be defined by my reactions. Unfortunately, I come up a bit short on conflict. I do not really see an antagonist in my life. Is it my weight, my work, my personal relationships, my complacency? Maybe I am still in the end of act two then. Maybe I am rushing myself because I think of these acts evenly distributed on the time line of my life line. I am nearing forty so it should be act three right?
Is is crazy to want an antagonist? Is this why so many others seek drama. Is it that is pushes them to act? If I where writing my life, I would be introducing the conflict and making this character do something.
paul newman
Paul Newman died last night.
What I know of his life is that it was one worth emulating...married to his wife for 50 years, he gave hundreds of millions of dollars to charity, he started multiple camps and he was just so cool.
anne bancroft
Mrs. Robison has passed away.
Anne Bancroft 1931-2005
I have always thought she was incredibly brave and interesting in the parts she played. Let us not forget the sense of humor she must have had married to Mel Brooks.
I will miss her lovely voice.
bravado
I did alot of reading here tonight. I'm not sure what moves me to look around. Searching for inspiration, searching for clues, searching for signs of you. I only rhyme for effect. Its rhyme not reality.
Explain, Explain. Always explain. Such is a life not lived alone.
I listened to a story tonight that hit me in such away that I had a rather forceful and immediate reaction. I think it was supposed to impress me. It didn't and drew out of me a really aggressive position. I felt guilty for making them so forcefully direct but there is a line of appropriate behavior that for me is to often crossed. I think I was most taken back by the boastfulness. I am however, sorry for how I made the person feel uncertain and maybe even judged so severely.
This was not my exactly my intention.
There's a fine line of trying to be open to differences without compromising personal ethic.
Though I have avoided mentioning this until now, I found a rather suspicious knot under my skin on the back of my neck. And is it an iceberg? Found it accidentally this afternoon when moving my own hair out of the way. It might have me a bit freaked out. I am calm enough but I think a doctor visit is entirely unavoidable. I'm giving it a week. If it shrinks then I'll leave it but anything else will mean the doctor.
Not my best day at all.